The pursuit of finding love can seem daunting when it comes to the world of dating. What’s even more challenging is when you are still on a quest of self discovery and figuring out who you are as a person and what you absolutely NEED in a lifelong partner. A lot of us hold high standards with regards to creating the type of life we want for ourselves and it only makes sense to hold the same ideals when it comes to letting people into our lives, let alone choosing our life partners.
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BUT, it is important to understand the stark differences between our needs and wants in a relationship and why being too picky can sabotage your chances of finding true love. If you are the type to cringe at the sound of an annoying laugh or can’t stand it when someone types a grammatical error- it's good to question if this is a dealbreaker or if it's pickiness. If you find yourself turning down every possible date for the mere reason that they don’t check off all your boxes, you might just be putting your guard up and missing out on forming a genuine connection.
This article will examine the differences between our needs and wants, how differing traits can help you grow as person to help you figure out whether your standards are being used as a defense mechanism out of the fear of getting rejected. To make things very clear, by no means am I saying to lower your standards, but by being too picky, you do risk missing the chance of finding your true love.
Needs vs. Wants
Having standards are crucial to the longevity of love, happiness and success in relationships. Standards can be referred to as the ethical principles we live by to make informed decisions and choices that we hold dearest to our hearts. Pickiness in relation to finding love is when you place unrealistic expectations onto another with the intention of searching for the perfect person. It is absolutely fine and dandy to have a checklist of criteria to look for in a partner, but it might be worthwhile to narrow down your list to include your must-have needs versus your wants.
Some examples of needs include these 8 core values: Respect, Companionship, Empathy, Vulnerability, Accountability, Commitment, Trust and Communication. These core values should be non-negotiable and are generally believed to be needed for a healthy and happy relationship. In contrast, examples of having high standards or wants include: Physical Appearance, Intimacy, Level of education, Fashion, Wealth, Culture and Religion. Although these ‘wants’ are inarguably important to the success of one's love life, having someone check off all of the above isn’t exactly necessary. Perhaps you can start by making a separate list to include the things that would be “nice-to-have” and refrain from deeming them as dealbreakers.
Differences Can Make You Grow
Based on my own experiences, I have learned that there is no such thing as the “perfect” person. We must ask ourselves, are we perfect in every way? Finding a mate identical to you will not allow you to grow individually nor as a couple. In fact, the differences between my husband and I have aided in my own personal growth, which has led me on a quest to creating the best version of myself. Although my husband and I do share similar values and beliefs, we do have differing characteristics and attributes. To give you an example, I have never really been an organized person. My husband on the other hand simply cannot function without things being in its rightful place. With that being said, my husband’s good traits do rub off on me and can easily be learnt with deliberate effort and time. In the same way, there are favorable traits of my own that my husband follows which pushes him to be a better partner each day. This includes being more ambitious and setting personal and financial goals. The great thing about having these differences not only gives us the chance to grow personally but it also allows us to work out our imperfections together.
Put Your Guard Down
Dismissing every potential suitor based on the criteria you hold could likely mean that you may have a fear of being rejected. What I mean by this is that sometimes people will try to remove themselves from dating altogether by admitting that they are too picky. When you begin to focus in on all the flaws that bother you about a person, you automatically lower your chances of coming out as a winner in the dating game. You will then tell yourself that there aren’t many great fishes left in the sea. This is a way of keeping our guard up to avoid feelings of being let down or getting hurt. The reason you may find yourself in situations where people are not meeting your standards is because you may have gone for partners in the past that would never reject you. They were either safe, too nice or comfortable, which is why you would have felt like they didn’t meet your standards. The only way to conquer this is by facing your fears head on and by being bold enough to approach people who may reject you. It is important to be your most authentic and vulnerable self in order to find the person that’s out there for you.
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