If you read this thinking it was literal, I apologize for stealing your attention under false pretenses. You really should get your mind out the gutter.
I regret to inform you that I won’t be discussing my sexual history because I’m not married. So I obviously don’t have any (to any relatives reading this, hope you’re having a blessed day). Besides, even if I did, I wouldn’t admit it here unless maybe a half-decent article could come out of it.
However, I will talk about my first time visiting Sri Lanka. It was a chance to get a taste of my heritage and it was for the most part a delicious experience – far more satisfying than losing one’s virginity (I assume).
My parents just recently revisited their roots after 30+ years, so I can’t complain. Yet, after a quarter-century of my own anticipation, I was eager to explore the Wonder of Asia. Here is a brief account of my trip and what I took away from it.
Kanthaswamy was one of the first Tamil films I ever saw. The heroine, Shriya Saran, was the first woman I considered leaving my girlfriend for. Unfortunately, I didn’t have a girlfriend to leave (sorry Shriya). But despite her breathtaking beauty, I think its safe to say that she’s got nothing on Sri Lanka (sorry again).
From the moment I landed, I felt like the Baha Men. I’m pretty sure they visited Sri Lanka back in the day because just like them, I couldn’t help but wonder:
WHO LET THE DOGS OUT?
They were everywhere. These fearless canines were more street than Snoop Dogg was in the 90s. They roamed the roads playing chicken with traffic and somehow never lost. I still have no idea who let them out.
Views From the Sri
The drive from Colombo to Matale was supposed to be a four-hour trip. With all the stops we made, it ended up being closer to six. Given the distance, it really should have been two. But Sri Lanka’s single lane roads have more twists than an M. Night Shyamalan movie, and this makes for a slower trip.
Our driver didn’t get the memo. It was as if he was preparing to audition for the next Fast and the Furious – overtaking cars at a ridiculous clip, heading straight into oncoming traffic, and swerving back into the right lane seconds before what should have been death. He easily shaved a few years off my life but I’m hopeful he’ll compensate me once he lands the role.
Sigiriya – easier to type than it is to climb – was an unforgettable experience. Legend says the King (Kashyapa) that lived there spent his days at the top of this rock, swimming with his hundreds of wives. If you’re struggling to picture this lifestyle, just think Hugh Hefner meets Fred Flintstone.
Describing this incredible stone structure and its surroundings would require an article of its own, so I’ll refrain (even though I just thought of an incredible click-bait title). Nonetheless, if you ever plan on visiting, it’s well worth checking out.
Unfortunately, my dream to ride an elephant wasn’t realized. The safari I went on more than made up for it, with elephants being the main attraction. We even almost died at the hands (trunk) of an elephant for blocking the herd’s path. They must’ve been looking for revenge because one of their crewmembers pulled up on us in the street to finish the job, but we escaped easily.
Views From My Belly
I lost interest in elephants once I tried Lion Lager. Sri Lanka’s hard-hitting heat probably factored into my experience but that doesn’t diminish its deliciousness. Each sip of this cold delight was light, tasteful and refreshing. Its perfect for any occasion and will make you second-guess the request, “hold my beer”. If you you’re reading this (and you work for Lion), it’s not too late to sponsor me.
When I wasn’t downing beers, I was filling up on Faluda. I had discovered the existence of this drink weeks before I got to Sri Lanka so trying an authentic version was on my bucket list. I’m a sucker for sugar and this gave me my fix. The allure of drinking fresh coconut water from the source had also intrigued me for years but once I finally got the chance, my sweet tooth refused to be satisfied.
Sinking my teeth into an authentic mutton roll was what I yearned for most. Sadly, my expectations were not met. Perhaps I didn’t go to the best place to try them but the best mutton rolls I’ve ever tried are still from Babu in Scarborough. All in all, I can’t complain because Sri Lanka’s climate allowed me to indulge in whatever I wanted while feeling like I wasn’t packing on a single pound.
I had the privilege of experiencing so much in four days that it’s impossible to cover all of it in a single article. In the past, whenever I crossed paths with people who had already visited Sri Lanka, I would hear about how gorgeous it is. I assumed they were just being polite.
Of course, like any place, Sri Lanka had its drawbacks. For instance, not once did I wake up without having to swat some sort of insect off of me. In those four days, I’m fairly certain that every mosquito in Sri Lanka had sampled a taste of me. But since Sri Lanka has so much to offer, this seems like a trade-off that’s worth it.
What stood out most to me was how hard people have to work there only to be rewarded with so little. Witnessing this firsthand put into perspective why my parents are who they are. It made me realize how easy I’ve actually had it and how ungrateful I can be at times. Despite their hardships, they always tried their best to accommodate me and they never failed to smile.
During my short life, I’ve been blessed to travel quite a bit. In the process, I’ve met many people, but Sri Lankans in Sri Lanka are easily the most selfless I’ve ever come across. In four days, the only selfish thing they did was eat durian in front of me and subject me to the stench of that rancid abomination.
In conclusion, losing my virginity to Sri Lanka exceeded all expectations.