These are the thoughts of an adult child when he or she is hesitating to proceed with a divorce.

Despite the growing acceptance of dating and divorce, there continues to be resistance in engaging in and discussing these types of cultural deviances by some Tamil youth and adult children, and the members of their respective communities.

Many South Asians in various parts of the world continue to be raised within a family dynamic that places a strict taboo on dating and divorce. The family dynamic in these communities consists of a strong family structure and its functions are controlled by this relationship. Most youth and adult children find themselves making decisions by discussing them with their family members and/or their respective communities. The decisions to openly date and/or proceed with a divorce becomes a difficult decision as it's controlled by parental and community expectations.

Many South Asian and Tamil adult children stay in toxic marriages to protect their family’s reputation, fearing that the community might label them negatively. Most importantly, adult children find themselves being encouraged by their family members and their community to make the marriage work at any cost.  There is a state of fear and confusion that the decisions and the behaviours with respect to divorce may bring shame to the family. The uncertainty of how the decision can affect the perception the community has of you you and your family becomes a repetitive dialoge in one's mind. Adult children are constantly required to negotiate their cultural expectations as well as their personal identities to accommodate the expectations of their traditional culture and western culture outside of the home.

For women, certain actions and behaviours may speak directly to the dignity and reputation of the family. Some women are still expected to be responsible for their family’s honour and as a result, must behave in a respectful way in public and make decisions keeping the family and community in mind, putting their personal happiness aside. Although women have become increasingly involved in their education,  employment and their independence, there seems to be discomfort and resistance towards things which involve cultural deviance. Why? The feeling of being shamed, being labelled, the disappointment it will bring to the family, oneself, the culture and the community.

Divorce as well as other topics such as infertility, single parenthood, mental illness, or even being single in your 30s, are failures, as societal expectations might lead you to believe. These elements do not define an individual and we (Tamil community) should work towards challenging these existing stigmas through literature, art, public speaking etc. and move towards creating positive attitudes in this realm. 

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