Disclaimer: This is not a guide on how to make relationships work. Rather, it is a guide on how to make relationships less work. I bear no responsibility for any break-ups, divorces, infidelity, broken stemware or changes to sexual orientation that may arise.
1. Ask her out on February 29. You’ll have dodged Valentine’s Day, and you only need to worry about your anniversary once every four years. Two birds, one stone. From me to your wallet – you’re welcome!
2. When taking your lady out for dinner, always offer to pay. I’m not saying to actually do it. Just offer. In an effort to be polite, she’ll likely refuse your generosity. And whereas a gentleman would pay for both parties (with a big tip on top), you'll merely ask her “are you sure?” Women rarely change their mind at “are you sure?” Do this and voila - the bill is split and you’ll seem generous without actually having to be generous. And if she does accept your offer to pay, there is always the forgot-wallet-in-other-pants/jacket/car excuse. Or the classic Dine-Dash-Never-Come-Back exit strategy.
3. If she calls you to vent about her problems while you’re maintaining your kill-streak in Call of Duty, you don’t have to turn off your Xbox. Simply repeat any of the following phrases at regular intervals throughout the conversation: “yeah”, “wow”, “I don’t believe it”, “no way”, “why”, “how come” and other neutral ambiguities. Attention is a price easier faked than paid. And your kill ratio will never be higher.
4. Speed up those excruciating shopping excursions with your Miss by always agreeing when she asks if something looks good on her. Act like a sales associate who’s only paid on commission. Convince her that everything she touches would look great on her, even if you couldn’t distinguish a tube top from a sweatband for people with massive foreheads. And if that leopard-print flannel shirt happens to clash with those purple leggings, at least it'll deter other guys from chatting her up. The important thing is the sooner she finds what she’s looking for, the sooner you’ll get out of there.
5. Apologize. Always. Whether it’s her fault or yours or whether you’re right and she’s wrong. The quickest way to end an argument is an apology, no matter how absurd her argument. Even if she gets upset at you for believing gravity is real, you’d better say sorry and start floating. Pride is a small price to pay for silence. And if she’s mad because you gave your number out to a girl you just met, then an apology might not work as well. Try some misdirection instead - a funny video of a pet playing the piano or an online sale on high heels.
This concludes my 5 Step guide to better deal with the woman in your life. Because the only time a relationship should involve labour is when she’s delivering a baby, right?
Sarcasm and satire aside, relationships require work for them to work out. There is a two-way street of attention and appreciation coupled with a lot of effort. But relationships can also make life more enriching and more fun.
No man or woman is perfect. And when you put the two together there’s bound to be a slew of imperfections. But you can work at almost anything to try to make it a bit better. Sacrifices can become compromises. Petty fights can become passionate nights. And for those instances of romance that don’t last, remember that temporary isn’t necessarily a bad thing.
Life itself is just a sequence of moments that seem to last but always end. And chances are you’ll find someone or maybe already know someone with whom you’d like to share these fleeting moments.
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