Love Can Be Better the Second Time Around

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“Have enough courage to trust love one more time. And always, one more time.”  –Maya Angelou

There is no all-encompassing formula for relationships. The diversity of individuals in this world ensures no possible algorithm for success. Consider yourself fortunate if you get it right and find someone whose values and perspectives beat to the rhythm of your own life. But relationships also fail. Sometimes we choose the wrong spouse. Or we try to change into someone that we are clearly not, in order to fit our partner’s ideals. And other times when the music stops and the world around us proclaims that it is time to get married, we simply settle for the person in closest proximity.

Amidst the carnage of a failed marriage, as your days become consumed with prying the broken shards of glass from the wounds of a shattered life, it is hard to conceive that anyone will ever be worth the risk of going through all of this again. But a life without love is incomplete – Love is always worth it.

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A divorce forces you to take a ‘time out’ in your life to reflect and re-evaluate every variable that did not serve you and your relationship. Your marriage has made you well aware of the intricacies involved in maintaining a partnership that will get you through the minute details of daily life, from sunrise to sunset.

Going through this experience teaches you what you can and cannot handle. This invaluable knowledge will help you to define and respect your limits — ‘limits’ that will entail how far you will be able to go for the one you love and the places you know you cannot venture because it is beyond the realm of your capabilities. The second time around, your experience will guide you to choose someone who fits within your limits, and your relationship will be much better for it.

There is a unique type of strength that comes from walking away from love. This strength will ensure from the moment that you let go, your standards will never waiver. It is the same strength that will propel you forward when you detect red flags from a potential suitor. Remember that if the person who loved you couldn’t provide what you need out of life, you are far less likely to accept anything less from a person who simply ‘likes’ you. No one in this world will ever be perfect, but your marital experience has defined exactly what is perfect for you, and from now on, you will only accept what you know you deserve.

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The beauty of falling in love again is the opportunity to embark on a relationship rooted in certainty. You start to feel the rhythm of everything that is right in your world, rather than the pressure to conform to it. You learn to draw confidence from all the elements of your personality which your former spouse once labeled as flaws, because this time you will choose someone who revels in every detail that makes you who you are. Insecurities melt away when you find someone to love who knows that you would be incomplete without all these integral components, flaws and all. When you meet the right person, instinctually you will know that your future will include that person. Period. No doubts. No hesitation. No second guessing.

Freedom from societal expectations is one of the best parts of searching for love the second time around. The opinions of others are irrelevant because experience has made it clear that you are the only person that needs to embrace every aspect of your next marriage. As you embark on building a world of happiness that is not dependent on anyone else, you no longer look for someone to ‘complete you’ or check off all of your boxes. Instead, you learn how to complete yourself, before looking for someone who can share in that completeness.

In the aftermath of a divorce or failed relationship, a second chance at love reverberates the juxtaposition between a life plagued with doubt and a world of clarity. Finding the right person erects a quiet confidence inside of you, derived from your own self-awareness and what you both possess together. Enter into this new life with complete certainty.

Choose to trust this new start as if it was the first time around. Enjoy every new smile, revel in every stolen kiss and commit to fresh promises. Do not hesitate to build your second chance at love brick by brick, and be prepared to throw time completely out the window. It may not happen in your twenties, maybe not even in your thirties. But it will be worth the wait. Just have the courage to believe that someone will love you again, and this time it will not fail.

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Author

Niluja Albert

Niluja Albert

Born in Colombo, Niluja grew up in Scarborough and currently works as a high school Mathematics teacher. She is also the CEO & Co-Founder of Diaspora Debates. Niluja earned an HBA double major in English and Mathematics and her B.Ed., both from the University of Toronto. She also completed her Masters of Mathematics at the University of Waterloo. Niluja is an eternal optimist, with a particular interest in social commentary pertaining to the assimilation of Tamil culture in North American society. Niluja’s interests include travel, running and activities that encourage the pursuit of knowledge.

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3 thoughts on “Love Can Be Better the Second Time Around

  1. The problem is that people are not taught what a realistic, healthy relationship is. We are raised on disney movies and Holleywood’s portrayal of what love and romance are, we see infatuated couples in puppy love getting married and living happily ever after in movies and on TV, it’s no wonder people here are so naive, gullible, and stupid. 

    They get married for the wrong reasons. They get married because they think that beauty or good sex is the same thing as love, and eventually their completely baseless relationship crumbles at the first sign of stress. 

    It doesn’t have a lot to do with how many partners somebody has had. It has everything to do with the fact that we live in a culture that embraces narcissism and selfishness, and encourages people to bail out of a marriage at the first sign of trouble rather than working it through. 

    Consequently, we have a high divorce rate, and now people are afraid to get married at all because they see 70% of marriages fail for some of the most asinine, obtuse, ridiculously stupid reasons.
    Dating several people at a young age and living together without 
    marriage which allow them to walk out any time may be are the 
    most important reasons. Such people when they get into marriage, no 
    doubt, it ends up in divorce. 

    Ladies who are fond of money force divorce on their husbands to take 
    away their money, also may be one of the other reasons. 

    A lot of married couple do not understand each other well, do not respect 
    each other, argues for silly reasons, do not try to understand the meaning 
    of marriage and family etc. are also reasons for increased divorce. 

    These people do not care for their parents and grand parents, 
    do not accept theirs or seniors advises for a better living, unlike we 
    people in India do. Most of them do not have any idea about their life, 
    bringing up of their children and settling down plans. All these contribute 
    to a higher rate of divorce, I feel. Those people like you are a shame to all Tamils. Don’t get married and find love for a 3,4,5 time you bloody pundai

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