I got married against my parents’ wishes. My extended family introduced my ex-husband to me, and my parents thought I was too young (I was 19, I was!) However, because I was a bit of a rebel child, my parents decided it was better to support me than watch me do it regardless.
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As a die-hard Tamil movie fan, films like Jodi and Alai Payuthey, made it seem like fighting with your family for approval for your love was part and parcel of the run up to being married. And so, the romance is set up, and you’re all ready to fight for your love.
The issue with marrying against your parents’ wishes is that every time something goes wrong, which in a marriage will, you end up feeling like you cannot ask for support because they will inevitably say ‘I told you so’.
But is parental validation really needed? And what can happen without it?
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There is a saying ‘We don’t marry a person, we marry a family’, and I have found that particularly true in the Tamil community. When I got married all those years ago, I married into a family. I was at the birth of my niece, my ex-husband was there when my father died, and lots of extended family events were attended to on both sides. In fact, when we split, I have found that more than missing my ex-husband, I miss some of my in-laws the most.
As a mother myself to two young men, I have often joked with them that whoever they bring home to me will never be good enough, but how would I feel if they brought home someone, I felt wasn’t good enough for them? Truth be told, I’d be devastated. I would never say ‘No’ to my kids as I do believe that they should have full control in who they spend their lives with, but it would hurt if their other halves and I were to not get along. Would they take my babies away from me? If I was to have grandchildren, would they keep them away from me?
I think that whilst the older generations have these worries too, I do believe that most of their worries stems from other factors like caste and religion – factors, which in today’s day and age seem a bit outdated to base a marriage on.
What do I have with my kids that potentially the older generations didn’t have with theirs? An open and honest relationship. I remember when my older son first started dating someone – he came and told me he liked her before he’d even asked her out. He told me he was going to ask her out, and then came and told me how he asked her out. Growing up, I didn’t have that kind of freedom with my parents.
For me, I wasn’t allowed to even talk to boys, let alone tell my parents I was going out on a date with one. And when I got married, they certainly didn’t like him at the beginning. But over the years, they began to accept him. Was it harder or easier with their validation? For me, neither. I think knowing they hadn’t accepted him at the beginning made me on edge even when they did accept him, because I found even after they had accepted him, the consensus was still the same ‘You can’t leave him. You chose him even when we advised you against it’.
Nowadays, it’s important to think about why you are seeking parental validation about your partner. What are you thinking you will gain or lose from having or not having it? And how do you think this will impact your decision about the love of your life?
