My Love Affair With Tamil Men

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I have a problem, a major problem.  I need someone to de-program my brain because over the course of the last twenty years my parents have done an excellent job brainwashing me: “You MUST find a nice, smart, Tamil boy”!!!

Sometimes I feel like I have a chip in my brain that only allows me to feel attraction to Tamil guys! Although years of living in Toronto has taught me to appreciate handsome men from the societal cultural mosaic – they are doomed to reside in the black hole of my ‘friend zone’. If I could only bring myself to go for coffee with a humorous Ryan Gosling, or go see a Raptors game with a Denzel Washington clone.  You would think that a little Indian flavor would be an adequate alternative, but alas, to no avail.

I know I am an attractive woman (I say this with confidence, not cockiness). I am always fortunate to be approached by a diverse range of men whenever I go out; Intelligent men, Funny men-Gorgeous men! Although I may smile and shower them with my amazing personality and wit, unless you have ancestral ties to the Chola Kingdom, you’re fresh out of luck.

I have a love-hate relationship with Tamil men. I can’t seem to live with them, but I definitely can’t live without them. Now I am fully aware that this article is going to perpetuate stereotypes. Although I am bracing myself for a barrage of backlash from our male TC readers, if you are a woman who loves Tamil men, I am sure that you will identify with every word. So Ladies, pour yourself a glass of wine, sit back, relax and let’s embark on a mini therapy session.

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Let’s start with their physical appearance; The chin strap, caramel to dark chocolate skin, spiky hair and mischievous smiles. Why is this sooo damn irresistible??? I blame Rajinikanth.  After years of watching Tamil films, he seems to be your leader. I don’t know why, but he must have something to do with all of this.

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Now my number one problem with Tamil men is the gang mentality. Why do they all travel in packs???  How am I supposed to get to know the real you if your bodyguards are always in the way? Every woman knows that a man is one way with them, and completely different when he is around is friends. So tell your friends to get lost so I can get to know that other side to you!

How many girls can identify with this situation? You think you’re going over to his place for a quiet date night alone when one of his boys shows up unannounced and then another, and yet another.  Inevitably ruining any chance I have to spend some quality time with you.

On top of that, Tamil men all seem to operate on a twisted version of the guy code – “Do  not talk, wait, do not even LOOK at any girl I’m interested in”. Have you every been the only girl in a room full of your crush’s friends? All of whom won’t look you directly in the eye and aren’t interested in engaging any type of conversation with you– despite your charming personality and stunning good looks. My name is NOT Medusa and one look will NOT turn you into stone.  Is this twisted version of the guy code something that only Tamil men are taught? Because the rest of the human race does not seem to have received the memo.

Which leads to me to a well-known self-perpetuating stereotype. South Asian men have a reputation of being controlling, possessive and jealous.  I will pause while you recover from the shock of that last statement.  Why don’t you try pursuing a woman of substance who can show you that she is worthy of your trust and loyalty?  Every relationship comes with the risk of getting hurt.  Jealousy will not help your odds.

I understand that you Tamil men believe you are hunters, but learn the right way to hunt your ‘prey’.  Showing your interest for a woman in Kollywood movies consistently involves stalking the object of your affection until she breaks down and falls in love with you.  In the real world, this type of behavior will result in a restraining order and possible jail time. Treat me like a lady, be romantic, entice me with your intelligence and win me over with your chivalry – NOT by trying to control my every move.

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Then there is your completely unreasonable “good girl, bad girl” dichotomy expectations. You want a girl who can take care of you, and make mutton curry that is AT LEAST as good as your Amma.  At the same time, she needs to know how to dress hot enough to impress all your buddies, but respectable enough, so that your friends and family will view her as both desirable and virtuous.  She needs to be a successful, career-driven partner – just not successful enough to pose a threat to your ‘manhood’.  And the moment it’s time to have kids, there is no question whose career will need to take the back seat.  You want her to be a submissive, traditional girl, yet subversive enough to provide an intellectual challenge for you.  Tamil men, are you for real?

And even if you find this perfect combination of Jodhika and Shriya all rolled into one, why does it take a small miracle to get you to commit to her and only her. “I’m just not relationship material right now”. Translation: “I want to pursue every brown girl that moves.  And when I’m finally ready to settle down and bring someone home to meet the family, I will be on you like white on rice!” How ironic, since I’m not attracted to white guys. I wish I were. But I’m not. We covered this already – let’s move on.

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Our rich Tamil culture is known for producing academic excellence and driven young individuals.  No matter what country in the world you live in, the scholarly achievements of Tamil men and women seemed to be ingrained in our DNA. So if you are a successful man in his late twenties/thirties/forties, why do so many of you still live with Appa and Amma???   No, I don’t want to sneak into your basement to watch movies after your parents are asleep.  I am not a teenager.  I have my own place, so why don’t you?  I have met so many Tamil men who are fantastic debaters and intelligent beyond belief.  So use that beautiful brain and well-endowed paycheck to move out on your own!

No matter how much fun it is commiserate over our dating horror stories, and common list of tragic flaws, the fact remains – I still LOVE my Tamil men.  Stereotypes are easy to fall into.  I admit that when we have to deal with complexity, it is sometimes easier to revert to simplicity and hold Tamil men to humourous clichés.  To be clear, this is a satirical article – I have met many good, quality Tamil men over the years who have proven to be exceptions to everything I have written here.  Consequently, most of them are currently taken.

Furthermore, I can not deny that at the end of the day, the first person to show us Tamil women the real meaning of love, was a strong Tamil man – our darling Appas.  With a little luck and a lot of patience, we may be fortunate enough to find a guy just like him – with the integrity and class that exudes from a real man. In the meantime, if you know anyone who can deprogram this chip in my brain – please tell him to give me a call.

The views expressed in this article are those of the individual contributor and do not necessarily reflect TamilCulture’s editorial policy.

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6 thoughts on “My Love Affair With Tamil Men

  1. I feel you pain, why are they so different than other men? It’s like
    their afraid, if they talk to you (or look in your direction) they’ll
    have to marry you.

    I think this is a result of how we’re gender segregated throughout our young lives. It would be totally fine to talk to a guy/girl of another background but as soon as its a tamil guy/girl all the alarms go off and parents start asking questions. I think this translates into adulthood, hopefully this article enlightens some of us and men can start talking to tamil women like normal people and hopefully have normal relationships. (it would be so much nicer than blind arranged marriages when the time comes).

  2. Honestly the writer of this article seems to be taking her facts only after dating numerous high-school students. Im sure as you progress your way through the age categories you will, or already should of found men who are more so the exact different from the men you have experienced. But then again some values you described as wanting a women who can cook like his mother(optional) and having some cultural values and doesn’t flaunt her body like a commercial sex toy are what any “MAN” with any significant amount of values would want.

  3. I do not speak for all Tamil men, but your article was very
    accurate. The “gang mentality” your right, we tend to act differently
    with our “boys” and we act differently with a female. From what I see
    Tamil girls also travel in gangs, how am I supposed to approach you when all
    your girls staring you down? The “controlling, possessive, and
    jealous” stereotype is 100% true, and if no other guy realizes it……no
    comment. I can only say from experience its true, and I’ve realized later in
    life but a strong relationship should be an equal relationship. If I tell my
    girl that she cannot talk to any guys, I shouldn’t be talking to any females
    either, It’s only fair. I’ve come to realize we shouldn’t look at situations in
    life through one perspective, having more than one will allow us to understand
    things and not being closed minded. That’s the approach that we should adapt,
    it’s a big stress reliever. The “good girl, bad girl” analogy from a
    male stand point, yes, we want a girl that takes care of us and cooks like my
    Amma but, In the end I will never be like your father nor will you ever be like
    my mother, we just have to accept that and move on. Success is defined differently
    to everyone, so I cannot comment on that topic. Finally, I hope all Tamil women and men find happiness in
    their relationships, and or future relationships. 

    Your Friendly Neighbourhood Tall Tamil Guy

  4. I like your writing style and way you get points across, is simply humorous and to the point.
    I agree, tamil media might have had major part in defining our mentality.
    I believe this case could be written from men’s point of view, which should repeat some the issues mentioned by yourself.
    We all have our own problems, as long as we identify them and rectify it. We should be satisfied.
    Thanks for sharing.

  5. “Which leads to me to a well-known self-perpetuating stereotype. South Asian men have a reputation of being controlling, possessive and jealous. I will pause while you recover from the shock of that last statement. Why don’t you try pursuing a woman of substance who can show you that she is worthy of your trust and loyalty?”

    Interesting that this is tolerated. Yet if a male writer was to make a similar statement stereotyping South Asian females, there would be accusations of sexism, racism, misogyny and demands that TC take the article down. Just highlighting the hypocrisy of those who advocate censorship.

  6. I’m a Tamil male and have almost given up on finding a Tamil girl who is independent, mature, intelligent and caring. I don’t respect Tamil guys including my own boys for the way they treat women and see them as sex objects. Something most Tamil girls don’t know is that even their perfect man in all likelihood is pulling a double act with them. The first chance they get they will not hesitate to get it in with another girl. In high school they were known as the bad boys, after they are known as the changed supposedly good guys. Tamil guys in general want to have fun and sex until they’re in their early 30s.
    Tamil girls possess many traits I find unbearable. Clinging to cliques, drama (friends, family), a rude bitchy tone, etc. Many Tamil women are smart yet value others opinions over their own. They are too dependent on others. I am a good looking male in his 20s, a virgin and considered a smart good guy. I think in all likelihood I will not marry a Tamil girl even though I’ve been socialized into thinking I will.

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