How to Find a Husband

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In Part 5 of our series “Help! I’m 30, Tamil… and Not Married”, a guest writer shares her advice for Tamil women. The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect TamilCulture’s editorial policy.

You are an independent, professional, educated Tamil woman. You are intelligent, well-read and well-traveled. And you have something your mother and grandmother likely never had – you get to choose your own life partner! Yet despite all this, you can’t seem to find a husband. Why?

As a Tamil woman, you were likely told from a young age by your mother to stay away from boys. You were never taught by your mother about how to find the right man for you. And with the rapidly growing cohort of unmarried Tamil women and men, it’s clear that this mindset has failed our community.

As an educated, happily married Tamil-Canadian woman and mother of a newborn daughter, here is my advice on how to successfully find the right man for you. Be warned that some of my advice may not be politically correct. But it is raw, honest, candid, and based firmly on my experience as well as those of my friends and family.

1. Stay away from bad boys

If you are a young Tamil girl, you likely have a fixation with bad boys. You like the “thug” Tamil guy. You like his blowout hairstyle. You like his earrings. You like the cut of his jeans and his shoes. And you like his swag. Never mind that he’s failing out of school. Or that he can’t seem to kick his ganja habit. Or that he’s been in trouble with the law.

Ladies, don’t confuse love with lust. You are not in love with a person; you are infatuated with an archetype. And you will get your heart broken by going for such men.

Far too often many women get trapped in a vicious cycle, repeating the same mistakes over and over again. As a result, I’ve seen many once idealistic young girls morph into jaded, cynical older women with emotional baggage, embittered by past negative experiences and mistrustful of men. And while I am sympathetic to their plight, I have also seen these women pass over perfectly decent men while going for men who are wrong for them.

Understand that there are many good decent Tamil men out there who will treat you like a princess. Don’t waste your best years with the bad boy with no future.

2. Make the most of your university years

In university, you will be surrounded by ambitious young men who will be future doctors, lawyers, engineers, accountants, teachers, academics and professionals in their fields. And never again will you be in an environment with bright young people of the same age as you.

Many of the most successful marriages I know of are between a husband and wife who met while in university. They grew together during their formative years with shared experiences and a common circle of friends. Studies show that one’s ability to pair-bond and form emotional attachments weaken with age. So make the most of this opportunity!

3. Be mindful of your reputation

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Many young Tamil women are of the mindset that they can have their “fun” with “hot guys” in their teens and 20s, and find a loyal rich man to settle down with in their 30s. And while some liberal women of other ethnicities are able employ this strategy with success, the Sex and the City lifestyle isn’t feasible for Tamil women.

The Toronto Tamil community is extremely close-knit. There is very little anonymity as everyone knows everyone. Often, the Tamil women who have the most difficulty finding a husband in their 30s are those who had a reputation for being “loose” in their 20s.

Let’s be mindful that that our generation still has one foot firmly planted in the “Old World” with conservative Tamil parents, the vast majority of whom are products of arranged marriages. We still have a ways to go until we become open-minded towards sex, and it will likely take a generation for mindsets to change (I credit some of TC’s writers for challenging the status quo).

Perhaps our own daughters will experience true sexual liberation. But until we reach this point, Tamil women should be advised not to be promiscuous. In our insular Tamil community a woman’s reputation will follow her, limiting her prospects for marriage.

4. Be weary of non-Tamil men

Many Tamil women – frustrated by their dating experiences with Tamil men – eschew Tamil men altogether and rush into the arms of non-Tamil men. And while it may be “fun” to experience the novelty of dating a partner of another background, seldom do these relationships morph into anything more serious.

Over the years, I have witnessed many interracial relationships dissolve due to irreconcilable differences in religious and cultural values. Furthermore, online dating surveys show that white men and women are the most ethnocentric in their preference for long-term partners within their own race. Moreover, white men who marry outside their race tend to be the “nerdy” men whom Tamil women rarely find attractive in the first place.

From private conversations, several white men have confided to me that they are only interested in a sexual fling with an ethnic girl whom they fetishize as “exotic”. Few are serious about making the commitment towards marriage. Similarly, East Asian men and non-Tamil South Asian men seldom express interest in marrying Tamil women (often based on prejudice towards darker skin tones). Therefore, it is advised that Tamil women seek out Tamil men for a long-term partner.

5. Be realistic with your expectations

As a young woman growing up in the West, you were likely told that “you can have it all”. You’ve fantasized about being swept off your feet by the 6 foot muscular hunk who looks like a Bollywood actor, makes six figures, and drives an Audi. Yet there are few of these guys to go around. And unless you look like Shriya yourself… it’s likely not going to be happen.

Be realistic about your standards. Yes, he may be a little on the short side and he may be a little awkward. But he’s kind, decent, faithful and will treat you well. Isn’t that all that matters in the end?

6. Don’t wait too long

As women, the reality is that we are slaves to the biological clock. We are much more limited in our window of fertility than men. Far too often, those of us who wait too long for “Mr. Right” never find “The One”.

Moreover, many of the best men are snatched up in their 20s. By the time you reach 30, most of what remains in the marriage market are men who are “players” who cannot commit to a woman, men who are divorced, and men who cannot find a woman to commit to them! Furthermore, many single Tamil men in their 30s will opt for a younger partner, preferring a wife of 25 over a wife of 35. So leverage your youth and beauty to find the best partner while you are in your physical prime!

Follow the six pieces of advice above and I assure you that you will find a good man and a great husband. Ladies, here’s to a happy future of marital bliss!

– A Happily Married Tamil Woman

Looking to create your love story? Join the other couples who have dated and married through myTamilDate.com!

* * * * *

In Part 1 of our series “Help! I’m 30, Tamil… and Not Married”, Sanjiv opines on the growing number of unmarried Tamils.
In Part 2, “So You’re 30 and Still Single? Don’t Blame Tamil Women”, Sriram shares a contrary perspective.
In Part 3, “Single, Tamil, Female… And I’m Divorced”, Niluja reveals her perspective as a divorced Tamil woman.
In Part 4, “Self-Arranged Marriage: The New Tamil Trend”, Jana discusses the growing “self-arranged marriage” phenomenon in the Tamil community.
In Part 6, “Why I’ve Decided to Get an Arranged Marriage”, Vidhurah expresses her views on modern marriage.
In Part 7, “So You Won’t Be Marrying a Tamil Girl?”, Penn E. shares his thoughts on the challenges and idiosyncrasies of interracial relationships.

Want to share your input? E-mail us at editor@tamilculture.ca. We will get back to you shortly.

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55 thoughts on “How to Find a Husband

  1. Who wrote this? My mom? My grandma? GEEZ. So disappointed. TC, you need to screen your writers. Oh: don’t fall in love with a bad boy, don’t have too many past relationships, white men rarely want tamil girls, the other brown people are off put by our darker shade.

    To be honest, I felt I needed to comment on how ridiculous this was. Subpar, far FAR below what I expected from TC. Can I get my 4 year old niece to write the next piece? Perhaps that deserves to be published too.

  2. This article makes it seem like the end goal for all tamil women is to get married. Just no, just no. Don’t wait too long? We have other priorities in life. And if we haven’t found someone we click with we just haven’t found someone we click with, does not mean we have to settle. Marriage is not the end goal to your life. It’s just something you do along the journey. I hope young tamil girl’s these days don’t grow up with the false notion that, your life goal is to get married and have kids, you can do so much more then that. Tamil culture has published amazing articles prior to this about being progressive, this pretty much undid all that hard work.

    And why does fertile need to part of this checklist?  This is ridiculous, and thinking like this is what holds women in our culture back.  Our duty as tamil women is not to have a family, we are so much more capable.  If we choose to have a family along the way that is wonderful, but that shouldn’t be it.  Marriage shouldn’t be it.  Our happiness in life should not depend on finding a husband.   It should be on finding fulfillment in your life, if that fulfillment for certain individuals includes having a family then it does.  

    By settling what do you end up doing?  You end up not being as happy as you could be, and forever knowing you aren’t happy.  What happens then? You bring a kid into this world hat is born into a set of parents bickering back and forth, because you both settled for each other.  Of course this is not the case for most people.  But too many families have children and do not think of how they are affecting these kids.  A home should be loving, not an obligation, settling for the most part does not create such an environment.

    I have never been so upset with an article from tamil culture.  So what if our tamil community is so close knit?  If the person you are with is judging you based on rumors and not getting to know you personally, they should not be in your life in the first place.  People make mistakes in life, it’s what shapes you for the future, and if the person you are dating ends up holding that against you, that shows the flaw in their character more than your own.

    This is just ridiculous.

  3. This is actually great advice, and the sort of conversation Tamil mothers should be having with their daughters from an early age.

    Unfortunately, many women only come to these realizations later in life. By this point, it’s often too late.

    Kudos to the author for her candidness and for not sugar-coating it. Hopefully, our next generation of young women will learn from the mistakes of this generation.

  4. This is a great article, its written very honest and balanced as well as sensitivly (i wouldnt be that polite, but hey i dont write dating articles). I’m offended by some of the comments, they seem to have their own issues they need to work out. I’ve read alot of magazines online, offensive comments don’t match the article. This stuff is very true, your newborn is lucky to an awesome mom. TC: I can’t wait for your “How to Find a Wife” article.

  5. I like how this article has 163 likes, yet a few very vocal, very dismissive opinions are displayed below. It’s funny how these same dismissive opinions below are saying they’re going to “leave TC” and not support it even though this article is simply one person’s opinion. If a liberal opinion is shown, they will this vilify anyone who doesn’t support their view. The same people who purport to be open minded are actually anything but. I think this article brings up some controversial, perhaps questionable points such as “nerdy white guys”, and assuming a lot of Tamil girls have limited prospects outside of Tamil men, I personally don’t endorse these views. But a lot of other points are pure common sense. Girls don’t be promiscuous, what’s wrong with that?! I think guys shouldn’t sleep around either, it’s bad for both! Girls, don’t go for loser bad boys, why do people object to this? Likewise guys shouldn’t just go for supermodel types for the main purpose of flings with no prospect of marriage. I think these opinions of 20somethings whose main purpose in life is “just to have fun” with little regard to their long-term future need a reality check.

  6. I am just curious. If you really want to be alone and be a strong feminist, why are you so bothered about this writing? So I guess you still have that prince in mind no matter how old you get? Seems like a huge contradiction there isn’t it? Choose your side. Be a single feminist, do something useful to society. Hit on a trip to some home to India/ Srilanka. Make the best use of your life. All this man hating isn’t doing any productive. If a man decides to even date a tamil girl, he’ll probably be turned off by such man-hating comments.

  7. LMAO Audi…..wtf. Why not a Rolls Royce or Maserati or at least a Benz. Are Tamils poor to be drivin a 60K Audi.

  8. Opinion_Puli  BEING A FEMINIST does not equate with wanting to being ALONE and vice versa.  So if you’re a feminist, you have to be single? Lol, What century are you living in? Who is man-hating in this section? Please, point it out. Because all the comments have been to call the author out on limiting what an individual identity is, NOT about any penis-bashing or man-hating. 

    Do you know what a feminist is? Please do define it before tying it to singlehood.

  9. Opinion_Puli Barefoott  Okay. Let me spell it out. This author wrote as if us womyn-as in all womyn-are looking for what she is looking for in a marriage.  For example, a marriage does not equate wanting kids for everyone.  
    You are imposing gender inequalities by implying that I would have said worse had this been written by a male-regardless of gender, this article was written terribly. 
    Please go learn about feminism before you make assumptions like the author did.  Who said anything about not wanting a family? Again learn what defines family and speak cohesively 🙂

  10. Please also don’t share pictures like that. That’s moral policing, and besides, infringing on the privacy of the people partying in that picture. What kind of “lesson” are you trying to impart?

  11. I agree. What is the limit to liberal? Where does one take a stand? Why come such a long way from life as naked cavemen only to progress backward? This is not acceptance… It is vulgar examples for children not just in tamil culture. A woman who respects herself would not stoop to the level of defining progress as sexual promiscuity. Yea all that will get u is increased chance of STDs. Liberal girls? Stupid is a better term!

  12. Iron Lady Well said. I think if a Tamil girl wants to marry a white guy because she connects better with him, that’s fine! If she wants to date and eventually marry a bad boy, that’s fine too! But just don’t go around fooling around and saying yes I’m “progressive” and then get your heart broken and complain to the rest of the society that men are the social ills of society and take no responsibility yourself.

  13. I am all up for equality and the strength of men and women of all cultures. Before I stir up any emotions, lets look at it from an evolutionary perspective. We want what’s best for our loved ones- a main thing being survival! People can drink- but it will cause liver cirrhosis and impair your judgement. Go ahead and smoke or do drugs but watch out for coughing up blood or hepatitis. Be promiscuous but beware of aids and a whole bunch of venereal diseases. Evolution is meant to go in the direction of survival not against it. I ain’t judging u but stay smart! Do whatever u want but take the liberal /”progressive” movement in the direction that inspires younger kids to live safer healthier lives! Peace!

  14. Not surprised you are divorced. Sounds like some(not all) of the author’s tips can be of use to you. She’s doing something right not to end up a bitter divorcee like u.

  15. Barefoot– no TC only lost hypocritical fools like u. Way to be ” open- minded” regarding another writer’s perspective.

  16. jay2022  Movie Baadhsa.
    Rajini: Doctor seat kedachachu
    Sister: Ennana soneenga?
    Rajini: Unmaya sonnen!

  17. jay2022 Opinion_Puli Barefoott   Jay, if you’re a guy in western hemisphere, I feel bad for you. I mocked people who go back home and get married. Seems like if you want to be with a tamil women, that is the only choice.

  18. Menakka  There’s a whole lot of shaming in these comments that does NOT need to happen, and that is completely at odds with the goal of creating an inclusive environment for young Tamil women. I think what Meena is trying to say is that there is more to a woman than the idea of being the ‘perfect wife’ — these comments criticizing her based on her status just help her argument all the more. 

    Step back and check yourselves! Learn to support the Tamil women around you instead of shaming them, and then we’ll have a truly progressive society.

  19. I think its very inappropriate to be posting such pictures on this article. I mean you could have used some pictures from a movie or news paper article rather than use pictures of real people. I think that’s very indecent of you in the first place.
    I think TC should be removing those two pics of the boys and the couples.

  20. Oh wait, what if a Tamil woman prefers to find a Ms Right rather than a Mr Right? 

    – A happily married Tamil woman (to another woman!)

  21. I’m going to keep it simple:

    (1) Women should not be defined by their marital status and/or ability to get married.

    (2) Some men are looking for husbands. Some women are looking for wives. Not everyone is heterosexual. There are some people who just do not care for a partner period. 

    So, instead of lecturing others, how about just encouraging people to pursue whatever they find to be respectful and loving in their own personal lives?

  22. RahaFrancis Menakka  You mean this entitled filths? If killing was legal, I would probably enjoy running them over a car again and again LOL

  23. BarefoottSeems to me that liberals don’t want anyone “suggesting” to them to live a modest lifestyle. But liberals want people like Niveda Anandan to encourage a more “open” and promiscuous lifestyle. They only want to hear what they agree with. Any other opposing opinions “should not be published.” That’s pretty intolerant and close minded if you ask me. I think having a discussion of both sides of the issue is healthy debate.

  24. Opinion_Puli As if (you thought) that’s the ultimate goal of my existence! 

    You know what my “actual” goal is:
    புல்லாகிப் பூடாய்ப் புழுவாய் மரமாகிப் பல் விருகமாகிப் பறவையாய்ப் பாம்பாகிக் கல்லாய் மனிதராய்ப் பேயாய்க் கணங்களாய் வல் அசுரர் ஆகி முனிவராய்த் தேவராய்ச் செல்லாஅ நின்ற இத் தாவர சங்கமத்துள் இன்னொரு ignorant ஆணாய் பிறவாமல் கடவது! 

    May God bless all those women around you…

  25. Oh my god..these r the tamils in canada…look at the pics..r u serious?? N here in lanka mothers r looking for canadian tamil girls to marry their son…fordowryi suppose..

  26. RahaFrancis Menakka  but its the bitter truth…We r progressing hopefully interms of education n wealth not in socialising like shown in the pics…i knw its personal n individual…but dnt regret ltr…the writer is just trying to guide us beforevwe fall into a ditch.

  27. “In Part 5 of our series http://tamilculture.com/help-im-30-tamil-and-not-married, a guest writer shares her advice for Tamil women. The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect TamilCulture’s editorial policy.”
    “Be warned that some of my advice may not be politically correct. But it
    is raw, honest, candid, and based firmly on my experience as well as
    those of my friends and family.” – A Happily Married Tamil Woman
    Relax already, some people need to take a hit here LOL

  28. “Follow the six pieces of advice above and I assure you that you will
    find a good man and a great husband. Ladies, here’s to a happy future of
    marital bliss!”
    This article is not going to help anyone with their marriage or for them to have happy married life. This article is seem to be written for the year 2000. I would like an update version lol.

  29. Opinion_Puli aghilashaI don’t know what you typed up there, but you sound like a sexist troll that has no friends. Why are you even
    reading dating articles for women? Tamil men are decent people. These
    discussions are about subtle cultural misunderstandings that lead to
    unintentional sexism, and not the hate your spewing. Just go and crawl
    back under the rock you came from.

  30. Tamil woman Opinion_Puli  Alright i felt bad for my previous trolling. Went a little overboard. This is for straight female tamils to find another straight tamil male. Why does that bother you so much? If you don’t want straight people interfering in your homosexual life, why do you interfere in straight people’s life

  31. TamilChimp You make several valid points here I’ll grant you that but some points to consider. 

    1) More and more women are having children in their late 30s and early 40s because of fertility treatments which are very expensive, not always reliable and emotionally draining. This type of thing isn’t something to be proud of. Also, yes, quality of men’s sperm does diminish with age, but to compare that to the same degree of women’s diminished fertility is ridiculous. For instance, a 50-year old man can impregnate a young woman, a 50-year old woman will NOT get pregnant, case in point. 

    2) Just because a “hot guy” is willing to screw you doesn’t necessarily mean he’ll put a ring on it. Too often girls make dumb choices like this and then get their heart broken and endlessly complain about men without taking some time for some self-reflection and looking at the mirror to think about their own choices they made.

    3) I think it’s not a bad thing to encourage both Tamil males and females to be open minded and look at different cultural groups if they meet their needs. I won’t disagree with the recent trend of Tamil females being more educated and successful career-wise than their Tamil male counterparts. That being said, Tamil men have in the past and should still also go for what they perceive as attractive women. That being said, oftentimes Tamil women don’t meet that cut. Many Tamil women are dark and have unattractive features. Kollywood emphasizes this by often casting non-Tamil (typically North Indian) females as the heroine and dubbing their voices with Tamil speaking females. The feminists who love to bash men but never accept any criticism for themselves might not like this but it’s a fact and they have to face this.

  32. No love is found in the entire piece of article, It looks like a better business partnership rather.

    It is hard for both men and women to find a perfect love. Yes women are more likely to be cheated than men of many community, not just Tamil. 

    Going by looks, sexiness of men and women:
    Sex is a part of love/life and is important, but sex is not everything. there is a long life after 50s as well, by time you will need love & care more than sex. So a right man of 30s can find his better women of 30s as well. It is important to make sure to the max that you will try not to get divorced, but can be the best if relationships doesn’t work.

    As long as you can communicate and understand each other, Language is not a barrier if all other things are intact.

    Above all, as a Tamil Man of 26, it is my deepest opinion that it is very important to write articles advising Tamil men rather than Tamil women.

    Women in general are little complicated than men but perfect. Men in general are simple, but imperfect to the core with some stupid ideologies.

  33. No love is found in the entire piece of article, It looks like a better business partnership advice rather.
    It can be hard for both men and women to find a perfect love. Yes women are more likely to be cheated than men of many community, not just Tamil. 

    Going by looks, sexiness of men and women:
    Sex is a part of love/life and is important, but sex is not everything. there is a long life after 50s as well, by time you will need love & care more than sex. So a right man of 30s can find his better women of 30s as well. It is important to make sure to the max that you will try not to get divorced, but can be the best if relationships doesn’t work.

    As long as you can communicate and understand each other, Language is not a barrier if all other things are intact. Tamil men and women can marry any body, even a Sinhalese who accepts his community as a aggressor and voice against it.

    Above all, as a Tamil Man of 26, it is my deepest opinion that it is very important to write articles advising Tamil men rather than Tamil women.
    Women in general are little complicated than men but perfect.
    Men in general are simple, but imperfect to the core with some stupid ideologies. The article looks like propagating male chauvinism, while I agree that women and men have to careful as lot of bad boys and a few may be bad girls are out there.

  34. While I agree on most things, the idea that white men are nerdy and unattractive to Tamil women is false. Some of those relationships morph into beautiful relationships.

  35. giantrafflesia Butt hurt white man, most of Tamil women find white men nerdy..The one that go usually after us are the one that white women don’t want….

  36. If this is the secret to a happily married Tamil woman, the word Happiness needs re-definition!
    I don’t know if I should U0001f622, U0001f604 or U0001f602!
    Mostly the 3rd option.
    Hopefully this article is written in a sarcastic tone to really put out things among Tamils and how NOT to live U0001f61d
    Happiness is not following the crowd or the norm. It is individual. This article sounds like written from someone who settled for less and trying to convince. Please don’t! You probably settled for happiness defined by yourself. Don’t put it over the head on others!
    Let’s realize, there is no recipe for finding a man good or bad!
    Nothing is status quo, even the happiness.
    It is all about facing any situations with grace, that’s what we are here to learn .. Not to point fingers or say my way is the best!

  37. Ps: there was a time when marriage didn’t exist., I wonder if people wrote articles about how mate with a ton of people?!!! How to avoid Marriage ?!!
    Just wondering .. Like wondering abt so many things here in life U0001f61b

  38. There is no right or wrong answer. For each individual it is different. If that approach worked for the author of the article, then great. However it is not gospel. It may not work for others. Happiness can mean different things for different people.

  39. Hi, I was 35 years old and i was unable to find someone to settle down with, someone to call my own. I was unable to find a husband. My family was placing so many pressure on me because i was the only one amongst my siblings that was still single. All my friends were getting married and having kids but i was left out unable to find someone to settle down with. I was depressed. I sought for help from counsellors, friends even dating sites. Whenever i met someone that i truly loved, they keep off from me. It was as if something was pursuing them away. I had examined myself and nothing was absolutely wrong with me. I search online for advice and councelling and then i came across Dr Okougbo Alaba who claimed that he could help me find a spouse. It all seemed like a joke. And as a deperate woman, I decided to  give it a try even though i found it difficult to believe him. He did somethings and told me that i was going to get married within 1 month. Honestly, i didnt believe him. It was like a total joke. To my greatest surprise, it all happened as he said it. I met a Walker (my husband now) and within 2 weeks of knowing each other, he proposed and we got married afterwards. I was so happy. My marriage is blessed now with 2 kids, Lois and Tyler. Truly Dr Okougbo saved me from lonliness. I would urge everyone with similar problem that i had to contact him via his email: realhomeofspell@oulook.com Thanks Dr Okougbo Alaba.

  40. Hi, I was 35 years old and i was unable to find someone to settle down with, someone to call my own. I was unable to find a husband. My family was placing so many pressure on me because i was the only one amongst my siblings that was still single. All my friends were getting married and having kids but i was left out unable to find someone to settle down with. I was depressed. I sought for help from counsellors, friends even dating sites. Whenever i met someone that i truly loved, they keep off from me. It was as if something was pursuing them away. I had examined myself and nothing was absolutely wrong with me. I search online for advice and councelling and then i came across Dr Okougbo Alaba who claimed that he could help me find a spouse. It all seemed like a joke. And as a deperate woman, I decided to  give it a try even though i found it difficult to believe him. He did somethings and told me that i was going to get married within 1 month. Honestly, i didnt believe him. It was like a total joke. To my greatest surprise, it all happened as he said it. I met a Walker (my husband now) and within 2 weeks of knowing each other, he proposed and we got married afterwards. I was so happy. My marriage is blessed now with 2 kids, Lois and Tyler. Truly Dr Okougbo saved me from lonliness. I would urge everyone with similar problem that i had to contact him via his email: realhomeofspell@oulook.com Thanks Dr Okougbo Alaba.

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